😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I sit here holding the hand of the man who healed me, begging him to come back to me. His hand feels even colder now and his brain activity has gone down again. The doctor said he has swelling on the brain and that scares me even more. He needs to come back; I can't do this without him. I'm not too proud to admit I just had another crying bout; I've never felt pain like this before. I want so much to hold him again; to hear him laugh and see him smile. How do I say goodbye to the love of my life if it comes to that? How do I say goodbye to the man who gave me endless love and patience and the father of my child? How do I let him go if I have to? I never truly felt like I could breathe and finally let my guard down before him and I don't think it's going to happen again. Why did this happen? How is it fair that our son could grow up never knowing his father? I'm just scared, lost, and angry; so much of my life makes no sense without him. I realize my thoughts are depressing but these thoughts won't stop screaming in my head. All I want is for him to be healthy and happy again; I literally don't care what he does for a living or where we live so long as we're together again. He deserves to be happy and live the rest of his life as he wants; I should have taken him up on his suggestion to get an RV and drive wherever we wanted, he would still be alright if I had. That's another thought that won't let me rest; if I had looked into the things we talked about doing and actually made plans maybe things would be different now. His mom is furious at me; claiming he worked so hard to keep me happy and buy things for me. She said if he hadn't met me he wouldn't be in this state. She knows he worked like crazy before we met and that was just part of him being himself; what she said hurts me deeply, I genuinely think he saved me and I never asked him for anything. She knows damn well how much I love him and how his absence is killing me inside. She knows I would give an insane amount to wrap my arms around him again and have him fold me into one of his hugs that makes me forget everything else. To see the smile that lights up his entire face and always makes me return the smile is something I would be willing to beg for. He understands too well how it feels to finally have someone who loves you and makes you feel loved, wanted, and needed when that's something neither of us really got before meeting each other. I guess that's it for now.