I was up late Tuesday night feeding Trevor and reading until he fell asleep when my phone buzzes and it's my aunt telling me that my grandma in Austria passed away. I went to the bathroom and started crying, unable to do anything else, but trying not to wake Trevor or Gabe. This woman meant so much to all of us and she's just gone now. I cried partially for Mom too, knowing how much this would hurt her. I don't want her to be hurt and I don't want to be the reason she cries, but I was. My siblings thought it was best for me to tell her because they thought I would do it in the most gentle way possible; that and they didn't want to. Danny and Corey have both called me to talk about her and share their feelings. I really appreciate that they do this and don't want them to stop talking to me but balancing their emotions, my own, and keep any semblance of normalcy is very difficult right now. Betwen them, myself, Trevor, and Gabe, my plate is very full right now. Gabe has been checking in and seeing if I'm okay, trying to do everything he can to ease the pain and stress I feel. I do wonder why so many people close to us have passed away in the few years he and I have been together. I don't want either of us to lose anyone else and don't know how much more of that either of us could take. Danny was saying it took a while for it to really sink in that she was really gone; at first he kind of went numb then a day later he started crying and actually facing facts. Gabe withdraws into himself in these situations, working through his grief internally for the most part, then talking to me when he's dealt with it a bit more. I don't begrudge him that; he just handles it differently than I do. I'm trying to be there for everyone and not let anyone down and keep things going as much as possible. I still cook for my beloved and it brings me a sense of peace and comfort to do something normal and helpful. I need to take care of those I love who are still here. I guess that's it for now.
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