Really need to focus on the positive

I don't mean to harp on the same subjects but I need to get this out or I truly will just be a crying mess on the floor when my beloved gets home. I talked to Mom again, because I'm stupid, and she said something that so deeply hurt me and pissed me off at the same time I can barely write it down. She just straight up admits that after Danny, my older brother, was born she didn't really want any other children and the rest of us were basically mistakes she then had to take care of. She said I should be glad I'm only going to have 1 child. Excuse my language but what the actual fuck?!?!?! I knew already that she doesn't think much of me and seems to have a problem with my general existence but this was the biggest slap in the face I can imagine. I can't wait to have Trevor; hold him, kiss his forehead, hear him laugh, and play with him. I would never consider him a burden or tear him down every chance I got. I'm never going to be that kind of mom and am seriously debating cutting her out of my life. She seems totally unaware of why I was hurt and angry. No one can be that ignorant and emotionally inept; she knew damn well what she was doing. I didn't react; simply hung up on her and cried. To think how hard I've tried to help her, the years I spent taking care of my younger siblings and trying to make her happy and proud of me. Did any of that make a difference at all?!?! The fact that of the 5 of us I probably do the most to help her and she talks to me like this. For decades I truly believed I was the problem, and I don't believe it anymore. For decades I hated myself; I wrote a poem at 13 called " The Little Girl No One Wanted" and wish I had kept it. What the hell is that for a teenage girl to think, seriously?!?! I'm not stupid or imperceptive; I just didn't want to believe my own mother didn't want me. I honestly don't know if I cried from hurt or anger at this point. I don't know how to tell Gabe about this, but he's going to see it on my face the minute he walks in the door. I genuinely want to focus on him, Trevor, our pets, and the life we're trying to build together. I set up a cute little writing and reading nook in the very corner of our bedroom so I can do what little writing I've done this month and hopefully be motivated to do more. I wanted to include a few shots of the pets and the Northern Lights we saw last night as a reminder of good and beautiful things; I need that. I guess that's it for now.