I've been quite busy today, putting the final touches on Trevor's crib and shining up his stroller so everything is nice when he gets here. I set up the little trees as Gabe won't let me set up the big one by myself and I wanted it to feel festive for Thanksgiving. I think it looks beautiful and definitely brightens up the house. We were looking at a 2 bedroom apartment and I like it, but the kitchen seems a bit small for my taste. I can't be too picky though as a house is a bit out of the question right now. I do like the idea of having a little nursery for Trevor, and a room for him as he grows. I worry about him crying at night and keeping Gabe awake; I remember my siblings cried a lot as babies and made it difficult for Mom to sleep and work. The problem with keeping Trevor in our room is the second he cries we're going to hear him and I already worry about how little Gabe sleeps. Having a proper dinner with him and actually getting a little time to watch a movie with him felt like a blessing, I can't tell you how much we miss each other during the day. I've been thinking a lot about Mom too, and I don't know if I'm being too harsh or acted accordingly. I never told my siblings she said that and don't really want to; I don't want to hurt them like I was hurt. I know with the holidays coming up I'm expected to be a good hostess but I still don't want her to be here or to see her. This is something I don't know if I can truly get over. I just wonder why she had me if she never wanted me, you know? If she was going to just regret my existence I would almost rather just not exist. Yet despite her I do have people who actually are glad I exist and they're the only ones I live for. As my beloved said, every day he lives is dedicated to me and our son; the same goes for me. That doesn't make it any less painful though. I guess that's it for now.m
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