I need to just take a moment to breathe; something my beloved and I haven't really had time for in months. He's gone back to faceplanting into bed every night, so exhausted he can't think, and I've gone back to worrying about him. He called me about an hour and a half ago saying he wants to find another job, and I fully support him. He said he's so tired of spending almost every day away from me and having no time for anything else. He's also worried about getting hurt and not being there for Trevor and myself. I know that thought came into his mind after he watched Mike die. He has a wonderful record at work and his boss should give him excellent references if he isn't a complete and utter asshole. I know money is still going to be a problem but it's always going to be, no matter what we do. He promised me it wouldn't always be like this and he was right. I just hope he's happier in his new job. I couldn't help but notice him clinging to me every night, as if holding me would heal him always saying " I love you so much" and "I need you; thank you for always being here. " We've been talking about possibly moving to a bigger apartment once Trevor is born and needs his own room. We have the crib set up already near my side of the bed and if I'm honest I'm a bit nervous about the delivery; the doctor says I'm doing great but it's just daunting to think in about a month and a half I'm going to have to bring a tiny human being into the world. I miss him so much; he said at most they get 2 tiny little breaks and that's it. I brought him his lunch and he pulled me into his arms, twirling me around like he did when we first started dating. I never want him to stop treating me like that. Mom came over a few days ago with a dresser, saying it was to keep Trevor's clothes and toys, but then gestured to the folded clothes I hadn't yet put away saying I need to put them in there. I didn't tell her I didn't want it but the implication was that I have too many clothes and I never put them away. I don't want to fight or argue with her but the ever present condescension pissed me off so much. She's been pregnant and working at the same time and knows how difficult it is; the money I've made modeling for Dolls Kill and Kurst Cosmetics has actually helped us and I get to keep the clothes they send me if I like them. It's also something I can do in addition to my clerical work; I told Gabe I want my own money and I stand by that. I also don't want him to think he has to support us entirely on his own. I haven't been sleeping as well as usual and I feel like I'm going to sleep better when I don't have to worry about him. I developed some pretty nasty bags under my eyes and the cream I got last week started showing overnight results, no joke. I used it hoping to at least fake sleeping well and it eradicated my under eye bags; for $6 a tube. He worries that I don't sleep and I worry that he doesn't; is that normal? We've also been talking about the holidays and he really wants to see his parents and sister. Without Trevor I know it's not going to be the same, though that wound is never totally going away. I refuse to begrudge him the chance to see them. He didn't get the chance last year and that was only a little over a month after Trevor passed away. He was saying since I'm going to be so heavily pregnant by then he's going to stay and help with the cooking. He also refuses to work a few days before so we can be ready. Of course my huge family is going to be here too and I love them but hope they don't expect too much since I can't do as much right now. This man is everything I could ever ask for and I truly want nothing more than his happiness. I made the meal of pork chops, peas and carrots, baby potatoes, and a biscuit for him last night and he loved it so much, happily eating every bit. His smile and seeing him finally relax for a bit made me so happy. It didn't hurt that he grabbed me and kissed me either. 😉 I guess that's it for now.
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