This has been a long and stressful week. The idea that my beloved is going to be finding a different, hopefully safer, job sustains me and gives me hope that things are going to get better. I went to Spirit Halloween after another argument with Mom to clear my mind, only to run into Shoji. I snapped a photo of him to illustrate who I'm talking about, versus Gabe. He seemed shocked by my growing belly but still went on and on about how great I look and how much he misses me. The audacity. 🤬🤬🤬🤬 He saw the ring on my finger and the belly, containing our son, and STILL thinks he can get away with it. I left the store because I have no desire to see or speak to him, and it was just a reminder of what was wrong in our relationship; nothing but my appearance ever mattered to him. He never loved anything else and it took too long for me to see that. Whereas Gabe has always been in love with all of me, not just my appearance. Yes, he's attracted to me, but I matter to him as a human being more than anything. He was also willing to commit to me and give me an actual life and relationship, which Shoji wasn't. I should get to the reason I went to Spirit Halloween in the first place; Mom and I had another argument. She couldn't seem to resist criticizing my "heavy" makeup. She said she thinks I look prettier without the makeup and I don't need it. I realize on the surface it seems like a compliment but it seems like another comment meant to undermine my confidence, like her comments about our house, my cooking, and my clothes that weren't immediately and perfectly put away. She seems genuinely upset by the fact that I have a mind of my own at all. I have to also reiterate that she would NEVER talk to my siblings like that. I don't understand why it's so difficult for her to just let me be. She quit wearing makeup, doing her hair, and doesn't give a shit how she dresses for the most part and I swear it seems like she looks down on women who do those things. I was angrily stiring cookie dough when I hear my beloved walk through the door, and he immediately asked " What did your mom say now?" He knows my face so well he didn't even need to ask what was wrong. Another reason I love him. ❤️😍 He's coming home soon and we're watching zombie movies until we inevitably fall asleep. I guess that's it for now.
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