🤬😭🤬😭🤬😭♥️💕♥️💕

The above emojis are a pretty accurate description of my feelings lately. I'm learning a new filing system at work and it's more complicated than I feel it needs to be but my boss insists it's the most efficient way to do things. I honestly don't feel the need to change the sustem but I'm not really being asked. I need a few more days to get it down but have no doubt I will; of course,that doesn't mean I like it. Between my boss hounding me and Mom popping in to " visit" i e an excuse to butt in and criticize I must admit I was feeling quite frazzled and upset by the end of the day. I ended up snapping at Mom,telling her if she's just here to judge and criticize I would rather she go home. She had actually come to ask for my help; her email has been behaving strangely, they updated it and she hates it. Long story short she asked if I would help her transfer her old emails to a new email address that she also wanted me to set up for her. Keep in mind I had spent hours with my boss who actually kind of reminds me of her and was already tired and in a bad mood so this didn't help. I know I shouldn't have snapped but I want just once for her to actually find me worthy or at least acceptable. I still helped her and got most of the emails she wanted to save transfered but my mood hadn't improved much. I drove home blasting Nile and Behemoth, usually a sign I'm not in a good mood as death metal helps me calm down. I got home and was a bit surprised to see Gabe's truck in the driveway, which immediately made me smile. I grabbed my bag, locked the car doors, and rushed in to the waiting arms of my beloved. He saw my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I explained and he drew me in for another hug, and kissed me on the head. He smiled a bit and said " I made us dinner, baby. You don't need to worry about that at least." He knows I love onion rings though they're not necessarily the healthiest thing to eat but I ate every bit happily and gratefully. I didn't expect him to get home before me but he did, made dinner, and did the dishes. Not going to lie; I was so happy I almost cried. He's one of very few people in my life I can be 1,000% myself with and know he still loves me and wants me in his life. I can't be this open and vulnerable with most people and it feels wonderful to at least have that outlet. I felt so much better just sitting there, eating and watching TV with him than I did the entire day before; another example of him truly being good for me. Again, this man is love. ♥️💕♥️💕 Mom came by as again this morning, asking " Where's your guy? Why isn't he ever home?" I explained 3 houses had burnt down overnight and he had been called in at 3:30 to help clear the wreckage of these unfortunate people's lives and make sure there weren't any broken water mains or downed power lines so no one would get hurt. I tried so hard to hold onto that peace and happiness from last night but it's gone. How do I politely tell Mom to back off or leave me alone all together? I was talking to my friend,Brian, and came to a realization; she never really let me be a normal child. My little brother and sister, Cara and Cory, were born when I was barely 6 and I almost immediately had to learn to change diapers and feed crying infants because our dad was never there and she needed help. Marc, my baby brother, was born when I was almost 10 and by then I had learned to cook, do laundry, and bathe babies. Please don't get me wrong; I love them all so much, Marc is legitimately one of my favorite people in the entire world, but the 3 of them got to be children and have normal childhoods. She still expects me to do things for them and take care of them though they're all in their 30s now. Brian was asking why I always seem so tough on myself and so tense and part of me resents that she always expected so much of me; perfect grades, always went to school on time, feeding and caring for my little brothers and sister, babysitting their friends who always came over, helping about 6 or 7 loud children with their homework while doing my own, helping clean up after them, making sure Cara got to the bus stop safely when she needed extra help with reading and English classes. Keep in mind I was 13 and doing all this shit. That's a lot to ask of someone who herself was still a child but I did it. I'm incredibly God damn proud of how well I handled it given I was only a few years older than them but it willwals difoficult. I wasn't often allowed to see friends because Mom was often at work and Danny, my older brother,was preparing for college and on the soccer team, so again I was the one taking care of the 3 younger children. I just somehow got stuck in this caretaker role and find it difficult to escape even now; Cara even fully exects me to take care of Mom when she gets very old; because she never thought I'd have a lol or husband and would have nothing else in my life. That stings to be honest; it feels like she thinks nothing of me and I don't really mean anything to her, despite doing my best to be a good sister to her. It doesn't seem like anything I did to help her really mattered to her, and for that matter neither do I. She never had to worry about anyone else or do anything for anyone, she got to be so much more free than I did and honestly never appreciated it. She was also never held to the same standards I was, and neither were our brothers. To this day that remains true. I guess that's it for now.