I went for a walk with Mochi this morning, as my beloved is at work and has been for the last 28 hours. I'm both furious and afraid for him. I brought him hot food and coffee, and some water but that's all I can do. He scooped me up into the warmest, tightest hug of my life and gave me one of the best kisses of my life as thank you for me trying to help and support him but I'm terrified he's going to drop dead one day. I don't know what I would do without him at this point. I realize maybe we haven't known each other for the longest time but it feels like I've known him my entire life. I seriously thought about calling his boss and just screaming at him but I would probably only get Gabe in trouble and that's the last thing he needs. I swear to God if anything happens to him because of these working conditions I'm going to rain hell upon them to the best of my abilities. He's one of the few people and one of a handful of men I feel totally safe and at peace with. I long for the peace I felt watching anime and eating pizza with him just a few days ago.I also heard from my aunt in Austria and she's getting chemotherapy; she thought the doctors had gotten every bit of the cancer but somehow a few cells remained and clung to her pancreas, starting to matastacize again. My mom is freaking out, terrified of losing her sister and my grandma is terrified of losing her daughter. My cousins are terrified of losing their mom, obviously, and again I can't do anything to help. One of our neighbors was taken from her house in the ambulance last night, and it didn't look good. She's fairly old to be fair but has been nothing but kind to us, even having the bind rune symbolizing love made for us as an early wedding gift. She knows and accepts our pagan ways and it meant so much that she did this for us. I admit we're kind of the weird couple on our block and we get the occasional stare or odd look from people who see us walking down the street or something. The super serious, quiet, yet tall dark and handsome man with his equally serious goth fiancee probably does present something of an odd picture to people who don't understand and aren't part of rhe subculture we found peace and comradare in. It's funny though; with each other and with people we're comfortable with we're goofy and can be quite funny. I think we both just have certain comfort zones that we rarely step out of. I mean, if our own mothers struggle sometimes to accept how we live we don't expect strangers to either. We try our best to be good people and thankfully that generally wins people over pretty quickly, even if we are somewhat unconventional. I supose getting married and having children would be a pretty conventional thing to do though. We do live and behave more or less the same as any other couple but with a darker flare. I was truly hoping this year would be easier on us than last year but it seems the bullshit will persist and we just have to hold on to each other to make it through. I don't know how else to say it. The truth is I really don't know if I would have made it through everything the last few years have thrown at me without him; and he feels the same. As he put it we kind of brought each other back to life after years of feeling lost, broken, and empty inside. When he was hugging and kissing me at the job site it honestly felt like he was clinging to me for support and strength, which he claims I bring him in spades. I was talking to a friend of mine at this weekly meet up we do to discuss writing, etc, though most of the time we just talk about life as we're all in our 30s and tired. He's been married for 8, almost 9 years and confessed how desperately unhappy he is in his marriage, asking how Gabe and I are still head over heals for each other. I replied that we've only been together 17 months and aren't married yet, so maybe it's just that we're fairly new as a couple. He responded " No, I don't think so. I never really looked at Ash the way he looks at you. It's obvious he thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world and I never thought of her that way. I don't think I love Ash at all anymore." I don't know what to say to that and have never given relationship advice; this is the first healthy functional relationship I've been in. I'm hoping they can work their problems out but he seems miserable and has told me she makes him do everything at home as well as take care of his mother in law, their pets, and have a full time job. He's stressed out to the point of tears and has just cried or slept the last 2 times we hung out. He cooked a full course Thanksgiving dinner and put up with their extended families, then did the same for Christmas. Maybe they should get divorced, I don't know. I have to admit it was what was best for my parents but I'm not going to tell him to dissolve his marriage; that's something he has to decide for himself. I couldn't help but wonder when he was saying all this if in 8 years Gabe and I are still going to be as in love as we are now. I hope so, because I've never been happier than I am now. I guess that's enough for now.
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