I had to take a break from all the preparations I'm making to write and get a little something off my chest. I'm so glad Gabe helped me put the tree up; I would have absolutely no time or energy to do it myself, even if I were strong enough. Mom came over today and for a bit we were having a good conversation until she started criticizing the way I cooked my breakfast ( I cooked Gabe's at 3:30) and how I cleaned the dishes afterwards. She also criticized this bottle of Japanese ume vinegar I bought, saying I don't need to buy fancy ingredients. It was on sale and I had never seen it at the store we go to before so I wanted to try it. I made some stirfry for dinner using the vinegar as part of the sauce and it was delicious. Gabe and I both love food like that and I cook it well in my opinion; it's also an easy way for us to eat more vegetables. I'm not proud that I snapped at Mom but it feels like she's gotten hyper critical of nearly everything I do and I don't need to be told how to cook or wash dishes; I've been doing that since I was 13. I'm also a grown woman capable of running her own life. I thought she would be proud that I keep my kitchen clean and am trying to cook healthy, homemade meals for my beloved and myself. These are things she taught me,you know? I think in a way she's upset that once he and I are married I won't have as much time to do things for her, and more than anyone else I do things to help her. I think that's what's at the root of her criticism; she feels she's going to lose me completely once I have a husband, and possibly a child. I admit to some major stress about Gabe's well-being, my relationship with Mom, birthday preparations for Gabe, Christmas prepartions as well as Yule preparations for us, and New Year's preparations. After that it's time to start wedding planning. I already told him I don't want a fancy wedding with a lot of people. Honestly I just want to be his wife and have him to myself for a while. It's been crazy busy again and we barely get to see each other; I don't want to complain because I know this isn't his fault and he didn't ask for it but it drives me crazy not to be with him. I know it upsets him too and it's absolutely not my job to make him feel even worse. I know his boss is going to be sitting on his lazy ass all weekend and Gabe is going to be esententially doing his job and his boss's at the same time. I have a group of friends who meet weekly as kind of a writers circle to discuss what we've written and our inspiration to write, etc. Generally though at this point in our lives we talk about life, relationships, etc more than anything else. I started complaining about Gabe's boss, his job, and how much we miss each other. It's not that I don't want him to work and he's quite good at what he does; I just want him to be home and rest more. I don't feel like that's too much to ask and everyone agrees it's unreasonable what they ask of him. I guess that's enough for now.
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