I was doing a little work at my altar and trying to cleanse and banish all the negativity that seems to have surrounded us all year. I want so much better for us next year and am trying so hard to attract that to us. My beloved is still pretty sick and more than a bit depressed. He not only feels like he messed up Christmas for both of our families, and all the work I put in to get things ready, but he also started thinking about this being the first Christmas without his brother and that made him feel worse. I've done my best to reassure him he hasn't ruined anything; to be honest I've enjoyed it being just the two of us while he gets better. I don't think he properly gave himself time to grieve a loss that I know hurt him deeply, whether he admits it or not. How sudden and unexpected it was hit him even harder I think. I've rarely seen him cry but this (obviously) really hurt him. I was honestly afraid he was getting back to work and the rest of his life a bit too quickly after something like that and it would hit him that much harder if he didn't deal with it. I hate seeing him like that; he s deserves all the happiness he didn't have before and I want so much to be the one to bring him that. I don't want him to be unhappy, he's brought me so much happiness and it kills me to see him like that. I brought my family their (belated) gifts this morning, dropping them off at their doors with an apoloy note to all of them. It wouldn't have been smart to expose my nephew who's barely 3 and our parents who are in their late 60s and 70s to something that knocked an otherwise healthy 40 year old man on his ass. Besides if I were to be honest the relative peace and quiet of being here with him has been nice. I guess that's enough for now.
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