This has probably been a bit overdue but here I am. I put Trevor down for a nap after feeding him and he's sleeping peacefully. I'm becoming one of those moms who watches her baby super carefully and goes to check on him as he sleeps every night. I can't tell you how much I love this beautiful baby; no matter how much he cries. I've mostly been able to keep him quiet so Gabe can sleep. That poor man has been busting his ass even more so these last few days and again I worry about him. He (as always) keeps going without complaint but before essentially passing out last night he laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes, asking me to just hold him. That's his way of admitting he's exhausted and having a tough time. I watched him relax and fall asleep, finally finding a bit of peace. It's those little moments I live for and I hope never end. He's always so full of praise for me and I truly wonder if he sees his own good qualities. The last thing he said before falling asleep last night was " Thank you, beautiful. Thank you for always being there for me and loving me, showing me I could be better. I love you so God damn much. " He knows how to level me with his words; I feel exactly the same and hope he realizes he's done that for me too. I still have my own issues to work on and sore spots to deal with but compared to how I was when I was younger and after what previous men had done to me I'm 1,000 times better than I was. I owe a great deal of that to him and his patience, love, devotion, and the respect he treats me with. That was all I had ever wanted and don't understand why I had to wait until I was almost 40 to get it. I'm trying to get back into my usual routine so its not so difficult to go back to work when my maternity leave runs out. I'm up and cooking again which makes me feel better because I barely got out of bed the first 2 days after Trevor was born. I have a feeling it's going to be terrible to leave him and go back to work; I have no real desire to do that but have no choice. If we ever want that house we need to get every cent we can. It's going to be painful leaving Trevor, I also need to still figure out whom to leave him with; I refuse to ask Mom and Gabe's mom lives too far away. I would ask Corey as he adores him already but he's far too busy with work and all his own shit. I can't impose on him. Cassie is also busy and doesn't particularly like children. I actually got a random call from Corey yesterday morning just to talk and that made me so happy. That's another thing I never want to stop; I love my younger siblings far too much not to spend time with them like that. I did get my altar ready for Yule but never got to do much in the way of celebrating as I gave birth not too long after. I guess that's it for now.
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